Published on December 3rd, 2015 | by Flipside0
Edinburgh Celebrates Christmas by Showcasing Its Plentiful Supply of Electricity
In the ancient city of Edinburgh, Auld Reekie and Athens of the North, the council has decided that as the festive season draws near, it would be a grand idea to celebrate Christmas and all related winter holidays with a powerful showing of how much motherfucking spare electricity we now have in this part of the world.
Flipside spoke to Edinburgh Council representative Slavendar Wooopop, who had this to say:
‘Look, it doesn’t matter what you celebrate – Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza or the Pagan Winter Solstace, which is frankly bitchin’ I might add. Basically Richard Branson came along and wanted to sponsor some lights and we thought fuck it, he runs the trains that connect us to London, where most of us are from originally, he seems like an alright bloke and he’s got more money than any God we believe in, so go ahead. I certainly wouldn’t say the city has ‘sold its soul’…just prostituted it out for a month or so (not the fringe tho, that is a different month). Speaking of which, have you been to the Christmas market yet? It’s very good this year, even more kitsch and expensive than usual. Do you like my tiny wooden comb attached to a dreamcatcher? It cost £49.50’.
The Disneyland-on-dodgy-LSD aesthetic of Virgin Money ‘Street of Lights’ has been widely praised by all users of psychedelic drugs who admitted the lights were ‘pretty sweet to look at, dude’ when you’re tripping balls or even just a bit stoned. The rowdy and confused late-night wanderers and revellers of Cowgate and George Street agree, while everyone else thinks they’re a fucking eyesore, or in other words ‘bullshit incarnate’. Then again, the Royal Mile has been pretty twee for a while, so why not, eh? Why not?
LOOK! LOOK! IT IS LITERALLY A FUCKING PSYCHEDELIC-LIGHTING TEMPLE TO MONEY! YOU’VE WON, CAPITALISM! YOU’VE WON! BABY JESUS WAS WRONG WHEN HE TURNED OVER THE TABLES WHEN PEOPLE WERE TRADING IN THE TEMPLE, AND TOLD PEOPLE TO GIVE UP ALL OF THEIR BELONGINGS AND SPREAD THE WORD OF GOD – NO. NO!!!!! FUCK YOU TINY BABY JESUS, YOUR BIRTHDAY IS NOW ABOUT RICHARD BRANSON, ELECTRICITY AND FUCKING MONEY. AND BY THE WAY, RICHARD BRANSON THINKS YOU’RE A DICK. ALSO JESUS, GET THIS: BRANSON RUTHLESSLY CO-OPTED YOUR MUM’S TITLE AND USED IT FOR PROFIT, AND NOW HE’S TAKING OVER YOUR BIRTHDAY. HAHA. SUCK ON THAT. STUPID BABY JESUS.