Published on October 12th, 2015 | by Flipside0
Edinburgh Council Plans Complex Network of Zipwires Across City
After the dramatic success and widespread popularity of the city’s tram network, Edinburgh council has decided to blithely ignore the growing problem with homelessness, and instead invest billions of Scottish pounds in a complex network of zipwires across the city.
When asked about their motivation for the city’s new major building operation, council representative Manitee Twonk had this to say:
‘Listen – we’re innovators. Everyone thought trams were a late 19th century idea, but we made it work. Anyway, who really wants to walk down Arthur’s seat? Do you know how long that takes? 27 years of building and a £17 trillion investment is good value, if anything’ He said, taking a swig of toffee-apple cider and caressing his otherwise nude body, covered in sequins and glitter.
‘We’ve already planned the major routes, with more to come. There will be stations on Arthur’s Seat, Calton Hill, the top of the Scott Monument, the bottom of Leith Walk, and maybe one on the meadows even though it’s totally flat; we don’t want practicality to ruin an excellent idea. We are the city of 7 hills, Athens of the North, and if you remember Plato’s Dialogues, he was very, very clear about the complex network of zipwires that used to spring from the Acropolis’.
At this point, Mr. Twonk paused, mounted his desk, and began flinging paperclips into the air, screaming ‘I AM THE NIGHT! I AM THE WORLD! THIS IS AN EXCELLENT USE OF COUNCIL RESOURCES!’ Before continuing: ‘The Ancient Greeks used to be able to climb the Acropolis, pray to their gods, and then zipwire home – how sick is that? Everyone thinks democracy was their greatest invention, but it was not. It was fucking zipwires’
When asked if they had anything else in the pipelines, Mr. Twonk mysteriously raised an eyebrow and furtively whispered to Flipside ‘Have you ever noticed how this city just doesn’t have enough statues of men on horses?’