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Local

Published on September 13th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Edinburgh locals prepare snow machines to force away southern Freshers.

Freshers week, etched in the Edinburgh local’s calendar as “shite-is-it-that-time-of-fucking-year-again-the-fringe-only-finshed-two-bloody-days-ago-shitebaws” (indeed all one word, the Edinburgh local is a curious creature).

It is a week which sees literally the entire youth population of London, Surrey and Kent, make its way north to Edinburgh. To “study” utterly pointless degrees such as; Medicine, Maths and Engineering. Totally ignoring the classic Red Brick degrees of; Media studies, Kind of Art and Beer 101.

This would not normally be an issue for the generally welcoming Edinburgh Locals, however, freshers week comes just after approximately 2.4 billion Londoners occupy the city of Edinburgh and force it to “enjoy” their “art” and “comedy”, for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. This festival normally drives the Edinburgh local to boiling point and thus to have another vast influx of “southern pricks” is simply too much for the Edinburgh local to handle.

Thus this year, the ELA (Edinburgh Locals Alliance), has devised a cunning plan, which its spokesperson Jock Scottish Mcjockelson explained for us, “Basically, we know that the natural enemy of the southerner is the cold and snow, scientifically speaking  they are simply incapable of dealing with it. Thus we have constructed a giant snow machine which will cover the city in freezing weather and snow for the whole of Freshers week, we know this will trigger a biological reaction, sending the southerners back into their winter hibernation and back down south. With such a plan anywhere north of Manchester should really be safe. With the machine, we may hope to drive hipsters into extinction, but we aren’t getting to far ahead of ourselves. And once they are gone, we can get back to the usual 30 degrees we get in September.”

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