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Sports

Published on September 30th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Edinburgh Rugby Club performs ritual suicide after St Andrews loss

The biggest game in Edinburgh University’s rugby calendar ended in disaster just days ago, as the eternally confident Edinburgh side succumbed to a crushing 25-14 defeat at the hands of old rivals St. Andrews.

As is tradition upon a defeat in the fixture, the Edinburgh coach and captain were immediately presented with samurai swords for a ritualistic blood sacrifice. Both men showed little emotion as they plunged the hard steel deep into their stomachs; through coughing and blood they were heard to say, “It wouldn’t have mattered if St. Andrews weren’t such fucks.”

Sports Union President Rob Tate commented, “I am ashamed at the defeat, and sad it has come in my time as leader. No, no I do not think that the suicide is a barbaric and outdated tradition; nothing else will appease the players and help them recover. Initiations are not for another year and they need an emotional pick up before they have their way with the young freshers. The suicide is quite fitting.”

We did ask the St. Andrews captain for a comment, however he was too posh to be interpreted for this article.

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