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Local

Published on February 27th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Edinburgh student convinced he is the absolute shit

Adamant that he had “been causing quite a stir,” 3rd year Geography student James Simpson headed to Sainsbury’s secure in the knowledge that he had the pick of the crop as far as the fourth floor was concerned. After a tiring morning of frowning earnestly at his computer screen and artfully assembled books he told Flipside reporters that girls from the lifts to the water fountain were distracted from their work by his irresistible, enigmatic aura.

Adjourning from a hard shift of skimming online journals and gazing winsomely out of the window, James was “pleased” with the day’s efforts so far and could eat his ‘Chicken Caesar Wrap’ firmly aware that he was at the forefront of the mind of every woman he’d tangentially come into contact with that day.

Simpson, an “insufferable git” in the words of checkout assistant Sarah Robertson, stated that he planned to return to the library for more diligent aggravation of the building’s collective female population, once he finished his Meal Deal. “I can’t really remember his face,” added checkout assistant Sarah Robertson of the student who believed he’d spent the day winding up women everywhere with his irresistible sexuality.

Dressed in a pair of fitted jeans and a soft navy cotton shirt, Simpson was most pleased with the fact that his tortoiseshell glasses gave him a “pleasingly erudite look,” especially when coupled with his “raffish tousled hair”. Situated close to the window, he confessed to preferring something a little closer to the stairs so that girls could become infatuated with his “louche and breezy demeanour,” but he had been able to compensate with multiple trips to the toilets and water fountain. Here he had “no doubt” caught the eye of hordes of bored, frustrated students thankful to be distracted by his good looks.

“I won’t be try to initiate anything but it’s reassuring to know you’re being appreciate,” the egotistical young male added. “Especially that girl who keeps glancing in my direction as she goes towards the printers – I know her game.” Swinging his bag around his shoulders moments after 5pm, Simpson reiterated that the memory of his handsome chiseled features would linger on even after he left for his New Town flat.    

At press time 3rd year English Literature student Becky Jones was thankful that the “creepy jerk” at the computer across from her had “finally left for good.” Troubled by his “constant staring” and “irritating fidgeting,” she was thankful to get on with her reading.

Aside from Ms Jones sat directly opposite from where the self-professed “stud” had been sitting, Flipside has had no luck finding anyone else who can remember James on the fourth floor, but we will check the third floor on which he said he’d “made a cheeky appearance” to fetch a book on farming in developing economies.

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