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Local

Published on March 28th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Edinburgh University counselling department to set up ‘Big Cheese’ division

In a brilliant initiative to help those who need it most, Edinburgh University’s counselling service is to set up an office just off the Big Cheese dance floor, which will be free for all students to use in their most desperate moments.

A spokeswoman for the counselling service commented, “We are so excited to be setting up this new service. Statistically speaking around 87% of those who attend the Big Cheese have some form of mental health issue. Depression is exceptionally common; I know it appears to be one of the happiest nights of the week, but that is only for those who have had time to pre properly.”

“The observed rate of depression in those left sober suggests that 12 out of 12 people who are not drunk will be sad. Even if attendees have managed to get a minor buzz on, they often sober up in the queue and become depressed when they realise how shit Potterrow really is.”

“We are helping those who need it most. Students are invariably drunk and sad after they have failed to pull; the belief that they are top chat, king of banter and lols, has been shattered and they are in a state of sorrow. So they look to random strangers who they have befriended only that evening for advice.”

“Such untrained and inebriated individuals often give terrible advice, reassuring each other that one day the right person will come along and they will be happy forever, which given the UK divorce rate is statistically unlikely. Our professional service should help solve this problem once and for all.”

Hugh Murdoch has come out in favour of the move, “It will be really helpful; so many times I get to the queue and have to wait for ages, I sober up, and then I am sad by the time I get onto the dance floor. A good chat and solving of some childhood issues is all I need to get me going again. I can’t wait for the new service to be implemented.”   

 

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