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Published on February 11th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Embarassment as Kristen Stewart poem still better than Carol Ann Duffy’s entire works

There was embarrassment across the British literary scene this afternoon, following the discovery of Kristen Stewart’s terrible poem ‘My Heart is a Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole’, as it quickly emerged that the poem was better than anything ever written by Carol Ann Duffy, the British poet laureate,  or by her predecessor Andrew Motion.

The poem, which features such terrible lines as:

“One honest day up on this freedom pole

Devils not done digging

He’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle”

And

“Kismetly … ubiquitously crest fallen”

Was quickly mocked by most commentators on social and news media, but once English Literature academics noticed it (most were not working on obscure PhDs, but were infact looking up recipes for Angel cake) they went about trying to calm down the public uproar.

Martin Shelling, a PhD candidate at Edinburgh University’s English Literature department, explained the process; “Once I read it, I realised what had happened. People somehow fell into the belief that any poetry produced in the past few years is any good. We immediately stopped promoting poetry classes. If people on the internet thought that Kristen Stewart’s poem was bad, I do not want to see the mockery when people read some of the shit that gets written around here.” Shelling then took a deep breath before his eyes widened.

“Shit! There’s a poetry slam tonight.” He reached for his phone quickly “Fuck, I need to cancel it. If any members of the public see what goes on inside one of those things we’re all fucking dead. The English Literature department would probably get defunded, or reverse funded or something. Is that possible? I don’t understand maths.”

A professor of English literature was seen panicking and burning copies of Carol Ann Duffy’s poem “The 12 Days of Christmas,” which featured cringe-worthy lines such as:

“I bought a magic goose from a jolly farmer. This goose laid Barack Obama.

I bought a magic goose from a friendly fellow. This goose laid Fabio Capello.”

When quizzed, 9 out of 10 Edinburgh students could not tell the difference between a poem by Duffy and a poem by Kristen Stewart.

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