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Politics

Published on September 28th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Emissions rigging scandal spreads to UK: politicians fitted with cheat systems to fool bullshit emission regulators.

What began as a scandal involving gas emissions from VW cars has now expanded to involve politicians from at least one British party.  The software, known as ‘e*lection‘, is supposed to limit the amount of hogwash escaping the mouths of political candidates.  Yet it now seems that the current government has found a way to cheat it.

“The scandal first broke in America,” explained Flipside political editor Sirius Voyss.  “Bullshit emissions standards vary around the world: within the EU, politicians must say one truthful and comprehensible thing for every piece of incomprehensible nonsense, deceptive drivel, inflammatory rhetoric or cunning misinformation they emit.  Standards are lower elsewhere: the USA allows 66% baloney, Australia 85% and Canada  99%.  When a politician exceeds these limits in a particular speech, the word “BULLSHIT” lights up on their forehead in flashing red letters.”

“We knew something was wrong when it didn’t light up on Donald Trump,” explains Voyss.  “It turns out the entire Republican presidential field is fitted with cheat software, so they can say things like Obama’s a terrorist, the Pope’s not Catholic, climate change is nonsense, and Mexicans are rapists, and the bullshit light never comes on.”

“That made us look more closely at the UK election in May.  The Lib Dems and Tories had emitted near-identical levels of poppycock over the preceding five years, yet people only ever saw the flashing red ‘bullshit’ when a Lib Dem spoke.  You’ve got Ian Duncan Smith claiming he cares about the poor, George Osborne pretending he’ll crack down on rich tax avoiders, and Eric Pickles saying he doesn’t want another doughnut.  But no red lights!  They’ve disabled or fooled the e*lection software somehow.”

Worse may yet be to come, with some predicting that the scandal involves all parties, and goes back at least as far as the Iraq war.  The SNP, however, have found a sneaky way to legally bypass the detector, by truthfully saying “we want Independence” every second sentence.  Meanwhile Jeremy Corbyn appears to have confused the system for the Labour party by repeatedly and inadvisedly telling the truth.

 

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