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Politics

Published on September 16th, 2014 | by Flipside

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England must take equal share of midges after independence, demands Salmond

Alex Salmond has further upped the stakes of the referendum campaign by demanding that at least half of the biting midges that currently occupy the Scottish Highlands must be moved south of the border when Scotland becomes an independent nation.

“If we take a share of the national debt, then the Sassenachs have to take a share of the midges,” roared Salmond, to an appreciative crowd of Yes voters. To emphasise the point, he waved a giant cartoon of David Cameron being chased by a cloud of the voracious insects.

At present Scotland houses approximately seven billion midges, while England only pays host to about five hundred, a situation that many Scots believe is grossly unfair. The midges are supposed to act as a defence against invasion by Vikings, although some claim the deterrent is somewhat out of date.

Westminster insists that the Highlands are the only viable place the midge population can be housed, but the SNP say that this is not their problem. “You could easily fit a billion or two in the Lake District,” said Nicola Sturgeon. “And half a million in Boris Johnson’s hair,” she added.

Ed Miliband was quick to retaliate. “If Scotland wants us to take a share of the midges, then they’ll have to take a share of the irritating things we have down south, like upper class twits and Tories.”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” replied George Osborne.

“We’ll take a billion if they keep Nigel Farage,” added Miliband.

Several of the companies that are planning to move their operations to England following a Yes vote reacted with alarm to the prospect that midges will be moving too. “If all the midges are moved to Milton Keynes, then we might just have to move back up north,” admitted one CEO, who did not want to be named.

Boris Johnson, however, has proposed a more practical solution. “We’ll stick all seven billion of the bastards onto Hadrian’s wall,” he suggested, “It’ll save us the bother of setting up border posts.”

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