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Published on November 26th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Essays to be Sponsored by Energy Drinks

Promotional groups from Monster and Lucozade have revealed today that they plan to sponsor all essays everywhere.

“We have realised that our target market is no longer athletes or ravers,” said Charles Lucozade III Esq., whose grandfather created the Lucozade recipe after urinating into a bowl of granulated sugar after a mad one.

“The people we need to reach out to are the real people who write essays: the people who work two jobs, the people who forgot about the essay entirely, the people who have been asleep for two solid months. We appreciate our customers and now is the time to show it.”

The sponsorship deal involves most university-run cafés handing out free energy drinks to everyone with bags longer than three inches under their eyes. In order to balance the funding, the NUS has cut chai lattes off the menu, because, let’s face it, you only said you liked them to impress that girl with the dyed hair in that tutorial that one time.

Monster and Lucozade are not the only brands to be interested in sponsoring students during times of essay crisis. Red Bull is planning its first Extreme Essay World Championships, in which students compete to race around a track in a soapbox whilst referencing their bibliographies correctly, and Aquafresh have agreed to sponsor your flatmate’s smug smile after they finished their last essay a week ago.

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