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Politics

Published on January 12th, 2018 | by Flipside

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President Patrick Kilduff completes reshuffle, accidentally loses job

Following an arduous week of political machinations, President Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff completed his reshuffle of the EUSA sabbatical team in order to solidify his flailing grasp of power only to accidentally lose his job in the process.

In a press release, EUSA stated that “President Kilduff shall remain President Kilduff but shall not be called President Kilduff except by those anointed by Vice-Chancellor Tim O’Shea and his dog Kevin. President Kilduff shall also have no powers and portfolio as they have been transferred to Vice-President Archer, who has inherited his responsibilities and colourful suits portfolio and will now be known as VP of Education and Textiles. In addition, Ollie Glick will now be VP of Community and ultimate Frisbee”.

An anonymous EUSA source suggested to Flipside that nobody “knew what the fuck was going on” but that President Kilduff had allegedly been “offered a lifetime supply of EUSA badges” and in exchange he would step aside from the everyday governance of EUSA.

Speaking exclusively to Flipside, Professor of EUSA Constitutional Law Megan Moffat said “Well these reforms are all the more impressive when you consider the fact that he has absolutely no power over the other sabbs or the EUSA constitution. He’s somehow given up everything he has for nothing in return. He’s demonstrated the ruthlessness of Machiavelli with the skill and subtlety of Donald Trump”.

“What’s extraordinary is that this doesn’t affect any of other sabbs. They’ll probably just carry on with their day jobs while President Kilduff walks around the office quacking like the lame duck he is”.

President Kilduff could not be reached for a comment as he was preparing for an in-depth interview on the history of peaceful power transition processes with Iranian state media.

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