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Politics

Published on September 26th, 2017 | by Flipside

0

Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff declares by-elections

In astonishing news that roughly three people care about, EUSA President Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff has announced that he is calling an early by-election for his role as President after rumours of a leadership challenge from his former EUSA ally George Marvin.

Despite hiding from the general public in his lava pit fortress at the base of Arthur’s Seat, Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff’s spokesperson released a statement to Flipside. Kilduff stated that while students “still had the utmost confidence in his leadership abilities, as a result of the biased student media and nineteen no-confidence motions planned for the next student council, he had no choice but to declare a referendum on his leadership.”

Kilduff’s statement ended with “Hey-ho, it worked well for David Cameron and Theresa May so it should work for me” while the spokesperson shook his head in disbelief.

When approached for a comment, many students were confused by the concept of the Students’ Association holding a fresh election, as they believed that they were still members of EUSA.

When asked for a quote, EUSA Vice President of Welfare Esther ‘Mad Dog’ Dominy smashed a bottle over our reporter’s head before whispering into his ear “If you ask me a question without asking for my permission again, I’ll take that waggling tongue of yours and stuff it in the Teviot nachos”.

After remaining on the floor for quite some time, our reporter quit Flipside for an investigative journalism role in The Student, claiming that as they did nothing, he would be in much less danger.

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