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Sports

Published on September 2nd, 2013 | by Flipside

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EURFC initiations go nuclear

CENTRE FOR SPORTS AND EXERCISE — Edinburgh University Rugby Football Club (EURFC) has denied allegations that its latest batch of initiations go too far.  EURFC ‘s top secret plans for hazing fresher’s were leaked to popular website TrueLAD in a series of fifteen sub-140-character posts, such as;

“Looking over EURFC initiations, ramming plutonium rods up arses. WMDLAD”

&

“Shots of cyanide for the biggest LADs in the EURFC recruits. PoisonLAD”

The posts seem to indicate a series of lethal substances being prepared for application to potential fresher’s in a number of creative ways. The police are apparently concerned, and certain non-existent people are suggesting there may be links between EURFC and the Assad regime in Syria.

Charles Hettington, an incoming fresher to Edinburgh who intends to join the rugby club, said he’d be well up for anything. “My Harrow rugby team initiations included killing a really shit 2nd team player. I was only 12. We then played soggy biscuit. This is nothing.”

A spokesman from EURFC has refused to confirm or deny the reports, but suggested that such initiation banter was totally harmless. “It’s just good fun,” said the spokesman, who didn’t want to be named because he has a really important interview for his dad’s hedge fund tomorrow. “No one is going to get hurt doing this sort of thing.”

Edinburgh University, Edinburgh University Student’s Association and Edinburgh University Sports Union all maintain long-standing bans on initiations. When approached with the story, EUSA President Hugh Murdoch informed us it was nothing to do with him, and returned to playing Galaga on his computer in the EUSA offices.

Sports Union President Rob Tate agreed to meet Flipside reporters, but upon hearing the word ‘initiation’ put his fingers firmly in his ears and began singing ‘Flower of Scotland’ exceptionally loudly.

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