Published on May 11th, 2014 | by Flipside0
Europe votes for bearded Australian to be crowned ‘queen of Eurovision’
As usual, this year’s Eurovision was a myriad of confusion for participants, spectators and organisers alike. Firstly, viewers were alerted that in recent weeks Australia has become part of the European Union and thus is eligible to compete in the continent’s most prestigious competition. Perhaps more remarkably, Australia triumphed in the contest on their debut appearance.
Graham Norton was said to be highly sexually confused as the bearded woman winner stepped on stage. In a post-match interview he commented, “I never thought I would see it, a woman who really got me going, but her beard was so fine.”
He continued, “One of my weak facial haired co-workers burst into tears of admiration and jealousy. It was magnificent, stupendous, just outrageous, damn that was good facial hair on stage, So much woman, yet so much man, so much talent, wow! That is what this competition is all about! It makes me proud to be part of Europe!”
When asked about the song Graham was confused, “Ohh I was too drunk to remember it, all I thought is that she had a strange accent for an Australian. It take all sorts!”
In her victory speech the winner Miss Wurst commented that “we are unity” and “we are unstoppable.” Vladimir Putin allegedly wept over these comments, and has vowed not to lose his sovereignty over the continent to a queen who isn’t even European. He has also threatened to invade Denmark if they do not reverse the results in Russia’s favour.
In other news, UKIP leader Nigel Farrage has completely revoked his desire to leave the EU after viewing last night’s spectacle. He said, “How could I not want to be part of a Europe ruled by a bearded singing Australian Queen? I might enter next year, me and Nick Griffin on stage, who wouldn’t vote for that?”