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EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
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Entertainment

Published on December 3rd, 2017 | by Flipside

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EUSA President spends £40,000 on personal tailor

Following a freedom of information request that was initially denied on grounds of national security, Flipside has discovered that EUSA has been spending upwards of £40,000 of money supposedly dedicated to student welfare on a personal tailor to EUSA President Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff.

Flipside spoke to EUSA whistle-blower Megan Moffat who said “Patrick used to spend all day looking at suit websites and not getting any work done. We thought that providing him with a tailor would focus his attentions, but it’s been a dismal failure. He doesn’t even pretend to care anymore. Now he just stands around in official university meetings while the tailor takes his measurements, occasionally grunting, trying to swat flies with his fan, all the while farting like a constipated camel”.

Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff provided our Flipside reporter with some sagely words, saying that “The students, they see me, their happiness increases. They see the suit and they cry tears of joy and become sexually satisfied. I do what I can”. President Kilduff then struck a rock with his walking cane and water sprung from it.

President Kilduff’s tailor, Sarah Brown said to Flipside that “Herr Kilduff is simply the perfect model. His posture and composure make him a tailor’s dream. He’s like Gaddafi without the botox”.

Ms Brown is currently working on a suit for President Kilduff that aims to replicate the texture and lustfulness of Teviot nachos.

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