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Published on September 28th, 2014 | by Flipside

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EUSA establishes liberation group for middle-class students

EUSA today announced the establishment of a new liberation group for middle-class students. The move will also mean the replacement of all drinking fountains with a Pimms tap in EUSA venues and the establishment of an exclusivity deal to rebrand all Union shops under the ‘Little Waitrose’ franchise.

Speaking at Student Council last week, Briana Pegado announced that she was “wholly in support of the policy”, whilst at the same time commenting to The Journal that she thought such an idea would potentially destroy trust in EUSA. She then went on to mumble something pretentious about student engagement and sustainability.

EUSA’s policy comes after two years of protracted debate between Sabbaticals and the student community over whether students not self-defining as Communist should be allowed an opinion. The proposal aims to reflect the demographic of Edinburgh University by including measures to automatically define any member of the Union as middle-class unless they opt-out.

Ex-EUSA Vice President Services Kirsty Haigh stated that, although she was positively working class on the inside, and couldn’t wait for the day of the revolution, she wished to be seen in solidarity with “fellow students who went to schools in castles and spent over £20,000 per year on their education.”

Controversially, the new group have immediately proposed the “removal of the Marchmont subsidy”, dubbed “Marchmont tax”, which could force the university’s working class population (approximately 0.001%) into the less affluent area of Newington.

“It’s the best place for them,” said UKIP’s EUSA spokesperson Tavish McFascist, “Marchmont is full.”

Flipside asked Theo Bobertson-Ronds, middle-class student in chief at EUSA, to comment, but he was indisposed to say anything other than “Yah!”, having spent the morning drinking his body weight in Prosecco.

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