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Entertainment

Published on November 13th, 2013 | by Flipside

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EUSA in Potterrow arson scandal

BRISTO SQUARE – As a fire engine, sirens still blazing, stopped next to Potterrow, EUSA were forced to deny allegations of arson and insurance fraud. Hugh Murdoch commented that there was absolutely no motive for such crimes, although if P-Row were to burn down EUSA would collect a serendipitous £40,000 – a completely unfamiliar budgetary number.

Murdoch went on to say, “The police have interviewed me, and apart from saying there was an unusually large quantity of open paint tins, rags and petrol stored in the building, it all seems to be fine.”

The police officer in charge of the investigation did seem slightly less enthusiastic to call it an accident. “We have several witness statements from the many – okay one – who were at EUSA’s last meeting where they apparently exhibited blue prints of the building and plans of how to start a fire. Luckily, their fire triangle revision is slightly lacking and they forgot to add a spark.”

The EUSA Vice President of Services, Kirsty Haigh, was also forced to deny rumours that she was seen running from the building wearing full black shouting, “Its gonna’ fucking blow!” as she barrel rolled through the door into Bristo Square.

As it became apparent that the fire had not destroyed the building, hundreds of visibly relieved students queued to express to Flipside their distress at the mere notion of life without the Big Cheese.

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