SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

Entertainment

Published on November 19th, 2013 | by Flipside

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EUSA not a shit show: claims sweaty middle-management worker

Today a sweat-covered middle manager for Edinburgh University Students Association called a press conference for anyone who cared, in order to claim that the organisation was a not a shit show, despite the outward appearance of it being a shit show. The conference was attended by journalists from Flipside (obv), the Student, the Tab and the Edinburgh Evening News (apparently it was a slow day. There was also a contingent of Edinburgh’s homeless who heard there was free tea and coffee, and that EUSA wanted more than four people there.

EUSA apparently felt the need to defend its recent inability to hold down not one, but two cast members of Made in Chelsea, after both Jamie Laing and Oliver Proudlock cancelled on it. This left EUSA holding a roller disco featuring nobody’s favourite Chelsea residents; Stevie Johnson, and Sam Thompson, who barely even qualifies as a person.

“I just want you all to know, that as an organisation we are perfectly functional, and that you, as students, have every reason to have faith in us,” said a middle-aged office worker, now drenched in sweat and desperately wanting to avoid a situation where they had to talk to young people. “We may have messed up in the past, but now we’re on the right track, or something…”

The middle manager then ran off in a hurry and after about 20 minutes of awkward silence, only broken by the journalist from the Tab occasionally making politically inappropriate jokes. Eventually Kirsty Haigh, the EUSA Vice-President of Services, emerged, seemingly unaware what the press conference was about or what she was supposed to be there for. She started talking about ethical investment at which point everyone, including the homeless people, started leaving.

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