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Published on October 21st, 2016 | by Flipside

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EUSA Reassures Students ‘Wee Cheese Just As Hideous As Big Cheese’

In a bid to improve audience attendance at the recently-launched Wee Cheese, EUSA have taken steps to assure students that they will be left racked with the same amount of self-disgust they would have were they at the flagship Big Cheese in Potterrow.

A EUSA spokesperson said, ’Look, the numbers haven’t been great recently and so we are striving to improve this and make it a success. Step one is to get the message across that the Wee Cheese is just as shit as it’s bigger sibling. In fact, it’s quite possible it could leave you feeling even more worthless and unloved. After all, you couldn’t even gain entry to the Big Cheese, how pathetic is that?! The good thing about the Wee Cheese is there are hidden corners where you can hide away, feeling ashamed of yourself. I know I fuckin’ would!’

‘We’ve also decided to run some competitions for those who attend. The first one will be to have one of the Sabbs take you out on a date! Though we strongly urge you to not look Patrick Garrett directly in the eyes. There’s a darkness there….he can make you….do…things. The next prize will be a year’s subscription to The Tab and The Student!’

The spokesperson finished, ‘And we would like to allay any student fears, we will still overcharge for that tropical debris that you know as VK and unquestionably chuck down your throats, and the toilets will be absolutely revolting. Though we really need you to muck in on that one!’

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