SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

Entertainment

Published on November 20th, 2013 | by Flipside

0

EUSA exposed as animal slaying cult

Following the shocking announcement that Edinburgh University kills the most animals of any UK university, it has turned out that EUSA are responsible for ‘sacrificing’ around 75% of them. VegSoc were quick to condemn EUSA’s actions when it emerged that President Murdoch beheads two doves every day and marks his forehead with their blood in an attempt to gain favour in the eyes of his god, ‘O’Shea-nu’.

Questions first arose when the Huffington Post revealed that this year Edinburgh University has slain 226,341 animals, including 7,260 rats. Although the initial assumption was that they had been killed for scientific research, it has emerged that EUSA is responsible for a large majority of the death toll. A Freemason representative said that EUSA were “definitely on the level” before drinking from his Emu-head goblet – a gift from EUSA.

Oxford, merely the second best UK university, lamented over their poor performance when it emerged that they had massacred 26,000 fewer animals than Edinburgh. Admittedly, this apparent difference was not helped by the many Prof. Higgs had annihilated in his Nobel celebrations or what is scraped off the floor after ‘The Big Cheese’.

The latest update from an EUSA representative, clad in what he described as ‘ceremonial feathers’, stated, “EUSA occasionally has to make an appeasement sacrifice, and after all they’re mostly mice and rats – oh and six emus – so who cares?”

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on RedditEmail this to someone

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,


About the Author



Comments are closed.

Back to Top ↑