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Commentary

Published on February 13th, 2017 | by Flipside

0

Everyone Having Sex Except You

 

A new survey released this week has revealed that all your suspicions are correct and that everyone you know – your friends, flatmates, colleagues, parents, lecturers, that old woman on the bus – everyone is having sex except you.

 

The news has not come as a surprise. Everyone was thinking it; they were just too polite to ask (and too busy having sex).

 

No matter how convincingly you argue that Valentine’s Day is a soulless corporate holiday, and that a box of chocolates and a badly photoshopped card are not signs of an intimate and meaningful relationship, you still sound like a jilted teenager at the school dance. Couldn’t get anyone to buy you ill-fitting underwear this year, could you?

 

Chin up, buddy. The world will probably end in a twitter-triggered nuclear explosion approximately three months into Trump’s presidency – your crippling social anxiety won’t be around to embarrass the world much longer.

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