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Published on March 19th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Evil to Replace Iain Duncan Smith

 

The Conservative party was thrown into turmoil last night after the surprise resignation of Iain Duncan Smith, the work and pensions secretary, leaving them in need of an immediate replacement. Fortunately, the abstract concept of Evil, which had been languishing in the lower echelons of the party, has been asked to step in at short notice.

“I’ve been waiting a long time to be in a position where I can make the lives of British people much, much worse,” said Evil, “and Iain’s decision to quit created a perfect opening. As the embodiment of Evil myself, I have so much respect for him, and there’s a massive amount I can learn from Iain about how to discriminate against the less fortunate, and devour the souls of children while they sleep. He’s a hero of mine”, concluded the abstract concept of Evil, knowing it has a lot of unpleasantness to live up to.

David Cameron added: “Iain was a Tory through and through, we would never have been this shiny, unpleasant and morally bankrupt without his guiding principles, so thanks for the memories, Iain.”

IDS himself released a statement to the media, describing his exit from the party as “Definitely about money being taken away from the poor cripples and nothing to do with the EU, I don’t even care if we stay in the EU as long as all those gammy-leg cretins get their extra 12 bob a week or whatever, I’m a nice guy and that’s definitely my priority”

 

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