SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

Uncategorized

Published on October 7th, 2017 | by Flipside

0

EXCLUSIVE: Theresa May’s Coughing Fit Was Actually Demons Trying to Escape Through Her Face

In Theresa May’s nightmare conference speech the other day, it can be revealed that her frequent coughing and spluttering realised the netherworld demons dwelling in the depths pit of her shrivelled soul, choosing this opportune moment to finally make a break for freedom.

 

The atmosphere in the pit of despair that is Theresa May’s conscience is said to have become so poisonous that even the foul, shadowy creatures of the dungeon dimension that dwell there could no longer take it, and had to escape. As Ms May spoke to a room full of people who variously believe that Boris Johnson, David Davis or Jacob Rees-Mogg could all be considered ‘leadership material,’ the hell-beasts couldn’t stand it a second longer.

 

Ms May could be heard coughing, spluttering, snorting and snarling as she desperately tried to suppress the demons, and force them back down from whence they came, all the while pretending her party was trying to help make life better for people.

 

At one point her eyeballs glowed red and rolled back in her head as she was heard to say *I AM MAMMON, HEAR ME ROAR* before a thick black smoke billowed from her nostrils, which her audience tried to hide with polite applause and a half-assed standing ovation.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on RedditEmail this to someone


About the Author



Comments are closed.

Back to Top ↑