SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

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Published on October 21st, 2015 | by Flipside

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FINALLY – A EUSA SCANDAL!!!

After many tedious months of jarring, unfamiliar EUSA competence, Flipside can FINALLY tell you all of a massive and appalling scandal. After a disappointing lunch at Tapame Tapas Bar on Teviot Place, VPS Urte Macikene allegedly slaughtered 3000 Spaniards – about 10% of Edinburgh’s Spanish population – with her bare fists, in a verocious rampage that lasted only 12 minutes. Colleagues say she wasn’t even back late after lunch, and looked remarkably unruffled, though covered in blood.

The EUSA offices were swarmed by a 30 person SWAT team (that Edinburgh Council did not know they had access to) and it took 10 of them to pin down the wiry student representative. According to bystanders, she was administered a tranquillizer on the spot, quoted by one fresher as: ‘Enough ketamine to make an elephant throw on some dubstep and get down and dirty trying to migraine-skank, much like me at Reading last year…it was sick’. Flipside assumes this bystander lives in Chancellor’s Court, and probably went to Eton or somewhere posher still.

When she eventually came round, Urte had this to say: ‘Much like gazpacho, revenge is a dish best served cold…and to Spanish people. The patatas fritas and chorizo and white bean stew were ok, but one sip of that lukewarm fucking gazpacho and I had to take action. I bet now they know how those bulls feel’ concluded Macikene, an avid animal rights supporter.

When asked for comment, EUSA had this to say: ‘Well it was bound to happen, wasn’t it? We’re just happy it’s not as bad as two years ago, when someone noticed the chip portions in Teviot had got smaller.’

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