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Published on April 3rd, 2016 | by Flipside

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Five Ways EUSA’s Safe Space Policy is Oppressing Straight White Men

EUSA’s Safe Space Policy has given the students of Edinburgh a lot. It has offered protection from bigotry, racism and homophobia, but perhaps more importantly, it has catalyzed the rise of the 21st century’s answer to Herbert Spencer, and Scotland’s number one Libertarian – Charlie Peters – whose incessant criticism and ridicule of the policy has given Edinburgh’s students a beacon of light at the end of the ‘nanny-state-like’ tunnel which is modern tertiary education.

There’s something that’s not been said about the Safe Space Policy however, and believe us, everyone’s thinking it, and we’re going to say it. Here’s the thing: it is oppressing white straight men on a daily basis. PC has quite literally gone mad, or we’re probably supposed to say, gone ‘a little silly’, so that we don’t offend anyone – right? If you’re a straight, white man, and you’ve noticed some flaws in your university experience recently, the Safe Space Policy has probably caused them. Here are five reasons why:

 

  • It’s why you haven’t pulled at the Big Cheese ever – Are you wondering why after the culmination of the second semester of the year, you haven’t once had any success with a girl. Were you starting to wonder whether it was you? The way you were dressing? Your horrendous small talk? No, it’s not you, it’s EUSA. They’ve indoctrinated our university’s women into thinking that they don’t have to tolerate groping, casual misogyny and your endless attempts to aggressively get with them. EUSA are meant to represent you, but all they’re doing at the moment is cock-blocking you via legislature. Thanks ‘the liberal elite’ – not so liberal really are you.

 

  • It’s why you are only averaging a low 2:1 – You might have started thinking that you weren’t really cracked up for academia after a string of 61s and 62s in your recent submissions. Nope, wrong again. EUSA’s Safe Space Policy has deliberately put a cap on the number of white men that are allowed to graduate with a 1st class degree to one, and since that one space will almost definitely be reserved for the intellectual giant that is Charlie Peters, you have no chance. Apparently if too many men get the top marks, it’s not fair on the women at the university who are structurally disadvantaged. It sounds to us like they’re banning people from getting good grades based on their gender, what do we call that? Hm, it begins with ‘S’. Yes you guessed it, it’s sexism. Seems that only works one way though, huh…

 

  • It’s why you won’t be graduating in McEwan Hall – The building works that are currently going on around McEwan Hall are actually to remove all the portraits of all the famous white men that are currently lining the walls, which were stopping it being a ‘safe space’. EUSA have said that these portraits are contributing to the stigmatization of women and people of colour in academia. Has anyone considered, I don’t know, that maybe the men were just generally better in those days. Probably not, seems like nobody is capable of thinking these days.

 

  • It’s why you haven’t got a graduate job lined up – Did you know that EUSA has been writing to all the companies you’ve applied to and telling them to employ a non-heterosexual person of colour instead of you. Jonny Ross-Tatum personally has several email templates that list all the reasons why you’re a ‘fucking ball bag.’ Notice that it’s male genitalia used for his insult. Why? Yep you guessed it, feminists say you can’t use ‘cunt’ because it’s gendered. What’s that, ‘reverse sexism’ you say? Apparently that ‘doesn’t exist’. Convenient.

 

  • It’s why you have to suffer the humiliation of having two female Sabbatical Officers – ‘Gender Quotas’ we’ve heard. Tokenism for the win really isn’t it.

 

Don’t worry white straight men, there’s no Safe Space policies in the real world, which mean that as soon as our four years are over it’s business as usual and we can go back to dominating everything and subordinating women, non-heterosexuals and people of colour just like the good old days. Cheers, don’t give up the fight!

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