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Entertainment

Published on March 4th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Flipside Exclusive: Oscar winners changed by social media petition

In a surprise move, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science have issued the following statement regarding the winners of their annual awards ceremony last night, hosted by @EllenDeGeneres:

“Dear 3D-glasses-wearing suckers,
Our board of judges has decided to amend the recipients of our prestigious awards due to the general public’s demands. We want to keep you happy. For without your support, not only would there be no audience for the motion picture art form, but our cinematic community would not be this kind of insanely rich. Like, really insanely rich. You think footballers are rich? Bill Murray walks onto campuses and gives out tequila.

To satisfy your demands, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science would like to redistribute the following awards:

  • The Twitter Award for Best Directing goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street. He’s so amazing at acting that he must do more behind the scenes. … what? Who’s Martin Scorcese? What the fuck is Taxi Driver? It sounds wank. Now Taxi, that movie with Queen Latifah in it, now that’s funny.
  • The Tumblr Award for Best Cinematography goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street. I heard that they filmed some of it on a 5 megapixel camera and its still great because Leo looks amazeballs. Oh he looks so good. Mmm. I wonder what a picture of him making out with Benedict Cumberbatch would look like.
  • The Instagram Award for Best Visual Effects goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street. The work done on his face and voice dub to transform a line of dialogue about overpriced shares from “Shit the bed! No way am I going to be in a film with Jonah fucking Hill. This is my one chance for an Oscar and you put me with the fat shit from Superbad. Fuck you.”
  • The Tuenti Award for Best Foreign Film goes to The Wolf of Wall Street with French subtitles. Accepting this award is the lead actor, Le Nardo du Caprèo.
  • The SoundCloud Award for Best Original Song goes to Frozen and the song Len Ar Do, sung by the lead from the original cast of Broadway’s Wicked, Leonardo DiCaprio.
  • The Facebook-Shares-Make-No-Difference-To-Anyone’s-Decisions Award for Best Picture goes to 12 Years a Nominee, a film chronicling the struggles of one man to finally win the Best Actor Award. To pick this up is the film’s producer, lead actor, publicist and part-time hair stylist, Leonardo DiCaprio.
  • And finally, the most highly-anticipated award of last night, which received the most amount of complaints. Based on the highest share of votes from the general public, we would like to award the Google-Empire Award for Best Actress to Meryl Streep. Well, she had to win something.”

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