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Published on December 16th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Flipside Exclusive: Santa’s Diary 2015

We know he’s busy for December, but what does Santa get up to the rest of the year? Flipside brings you the full scoop:

 

Santa’s 2015 Diary

 

3rd January

Fuck me that was stressful. Nearly died a fiery death when those pricks in Ghent left the fire on. Frickin’ Belgians. In future I’ll send one of the reindeer down first. Blitzen. Or maybe Comet. And don’t even get me started on New Year’s Eve. Crock of shit as always. Tried to go clubbing, massive line, people everywhere and couldn’t even find any coke. What a let down.

Time to relax now, get cosy and take a wee break. A little bev or two, warm my boots by the fire, throw on some highly-acclaimed British drama, and force Mrs Claus to knock me up a tagine. Damn I love tagine.

 

5th February

I am so full. Too much tagine all of January. Need another drink, something fun…Vermouth maybe, with…food colouring? Just as well Mrs Claus has that steady job down mine to support me outside the festive season. And the kids, bless ‘em, followed in my footsteps. Well, they smuggle drugs in South America, but I’m still so proud. Is that the time? Just one more drink, and a spliff before bed…

 

March

 

14th April

Is that the time? Almost spring! Really proud of my resolution to keep a diary. Feel like I can remember almost everything! Could really use some more of that tagine.

 

23rd May

Haven’t checked on the elves in a while. Fuck it, they’ll be fine, they’re basically almost people. Do they have a union yet? I fucking hope they don’t have a union.

 

1st June

Did an experiment with Kahlua and food colouring. The Kahlua was still black but it tasted of yellow. Can’t wait to tell Mrs Claus. Really worn out now.

 

27th June

All the elves have escaped. They’re touring with a production of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’. Who goes to see a pantomime in June?

 

8th September

Juuuust about feeling recovered from Christmas. Still quite bloated though…maybe I should get those friendly digestive yoghurts with ‘good bacteria’. Were they a hoax? It’s just fucking yoghurt. Maybe chia seeds is the answer…

 

29th September

Chia seeds were not the answer.

 

5th October

Elves still aren’t back. Snow White was picked up and is now on Broadway…still not really pantomime season yet, but…whatever I’m happy for them… little jumped up unionised pointy-eared shitmunchers. No I haven’t heard of the minimum wage.

 

30th October

Did a big shop at Tiger, got most of the presents for this year. Checked on the reindeer, they’re all fine except Cupid who died of a broken heart, and Dunder who really should get his name translated into English…Dunder? Is he German or something? Pretty sure I called him ‘Thunder’ but he kept saying ‘Dunder sad. Dunder wants to go home’. You know what Dunder? You’re staying here, never seeing your stupid reindeer family, and being a slave. To me. Big Poppa Christmas.

 

3rd November

Started wrapping presents today…could take a while…

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