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Entertainment

Published on February 28th, 2016 | by Flipside

0

Flipside’s top 25 ways to win an Oscar….

Oscar season is coming up, as the biggest stars in Hollywood clamour for the biggest award of them all. For our many readers who can one day reasonably expect to be nominated for an Oscar, here’s our handy guide of how to win one.

 

  1. Be White.
  2. Don’t be Leonardo DiCaprio.
  3. Don’t be black.
  4. Definitely don’t be Asian either.
  5. Play someone profoundly handicapped but with a brilliant mind.
  6. Try not to be Leonardo DiCaprio.
  7. Be Daniel Day-Lewis.
  8. Be male.
  9. Be straight, but play someone gay.
  10. Don’t actually be gay though…they hate that.
  11. Star in a Coen Brothers movie.
  12. Don’t star in a Judd Apatow movie.
  13. Don’t star in a comedy, even if it’s funnier than a Judd Apatow film.
  14. Don’t be Leonardo DiCaprio.
  15. Make a film that tackles a big issue.
  16. Star in a sensitive portrait of an important historical figure (not Martin Luther King though, that did not work out… try someone whiter).
  17. Don’t accuse the wildly racist Oscar committee of being racist.
  18. Be Benedict Cumberbatch.
  19. Don’t star in a film that’s released right after the Oscar nominations have been announced, no one will remember it by next year.
  20. Make a film where black people get subjugated, but come out looking like the good guys.
  21. Can’t stress this enough though, don’t actually be black…they hate that.
  22. You can be a woman but it won’t do you much good.
  23. NEVER be a black woman – seriously you won’t win shit.
  24. Make an animation/foreign language film/documentary – no one cares as much about these categories but the field is much narrower.
  25. Become mates with Ellen Degeneres…I reckon she has more power in this world than we will ever understand.There you have it, Flipside’s guide on how to win an Oscar, you are fucking welcome!

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