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Published on August 8th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Flipside’s Top 5 guide to avoiding Flyerers this Fringe.

Since the flyerer was declared a protected species in 1972, their numbers have grown exponentially and this has led to encounters with humans. An international consortium of survival experts and festivalologists, including noted sociologist Dr. Carmen Deuxforone and TV personality Ray Mears, have compiled cutting edge research into a new book outlining techniques for visiting Edinburgh during Flyering season. Here is an exclusive list of some of the most effective techniques from the ‘Flyerer Survival Guide’.

1)      The flyerer is naturally territorial. To avoid the flyerer completely you must avoid his hunting grounds. Contact the local authorities for a map detailing the danger zones. If at all possible avoid travelling on foot, researchers found the most effective methods of transport were bike, armoured golf cart or paragliding.

2)      Empty hands are a sign of weakness in the eyes of the flyerer. Carrying something almost guarantees immunity to flyering. The bigger the item the better. Two of the consortium’s interns managed to navigate the royal mile without a single flyer by carrying a fridge.

3)      The safest method of travel is to go in groups of no less than five. Group vigilance must be maintained throughout for success. Early tests resulted in failure due to one intern being distracted by a puppet circus cabaret and the group dissolved trying to rescue him. Flyerers will always strike at the weakest in the herd.

4)      If confronted by a flyerer the best method is to make yourself as big as possible, waving both arms over your head, while making continuous noises like a foghorn.

5)      Flyerers cannot flyer what they cannot see. Try disguising yourself as a potted plant, a passing car or a small dog. This technique is difficult to master and so researchers recommend starting small by dressing as a hurried business man or covering yourself in lanyards and screaming “FIVE STARS”  so as to convince them you are one of their own..

The book and its proponents have garnered controversy from local printers, performers, and the wider Fringe, claiming that people should just “take the bloody flyer! It won’t kill you!” The main voice of condemnation, Lord Ashbury Makes-Sense, stated yesterday that “flyering is a cost of encouraging art. You want the shows, take the flyer.”

No statement has been issued by any of the researchers behind the ‘Flyerer Survival Guide’, though Ray Mears was seen scurrying across the Grassmarket dressed as a Nissan Micra.

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