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Published on August 11th, 2015 | by Flipside

0

Flyerer Death Toll Reaches 700 as Street Team Wars Intensify.

(Pictured Above is the Royal Mile following the fighting)

Nearly one week of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival has passed; nearly 700 flyerers have passed away in a conflict that shows no sign of stopping. The annual street team wars have been the bloodiest in years. It appears hospitals are simply unable to cope with the influx of patients suffering from severe paper cuts and 3rd degree emotional burns.

Since day one brutality has marked this year’s fringe for its flyerers, on the first day PBJ Management street team lead a brilliant smash and grab offensive claiming the Udderbelly at George square. This has left them locked in a trench style conflict with Get Comedy, who are still desperately trying to hold onto Assembly Gardens. But, with the relentless flyering machine of PBJ bearing down on them and The Flyerer himself leading the charge, (safely from Abattoir sipping whiskey), it seems doubtful that they will hold out much longer.

Meanwhile, Avalon have launched a series of attacks on Off the Kerb’s traditional stomping ground…. The pavements. However, due to the Off the Kerb’s mastery of siege defence, Avalon have failed to make significant inroads, despite Avalon’s significant financial advantages and easily sellable big name comedians.

In other events, Laughing Horse Free Fringe and Freestival have forged an alliance, uniting against their bitter rival PBH Free Fringe, an attack on the Cowgatehead seems imminent. indeed PBH may well have seen themselves overstretched trying to take too much of the western front of the Cowgate, analysts have compared the move akin to any historical blunder into Russia.

Finally, the Royal Mile remains an indiscriminate killing zone, where friend and foe are united in a bloody mingle of paper and flesh. Street performers and shit flyerers alike simply have no idea of what they are doing, and are being massacred.

More to follow.

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