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Sports

Published on December 6th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Football ‘not a good sport anyway’ claim England fans

Fans of the England football team have universally declared that Football isn’t even a good sport, and that they never liked it anyway, after being drawn in a group with Italy, Uruguay, and Costa Rica for the Finals of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. England will open against Italy in a game played on the fiery hot ash fields of Mordor. (Lineker, 2013)

Dave the builder, an England Football fan from a post-industrial shit-hole, said, “Yeah I never really liked the sport anyway,” whilst urinating on his Leeds United shirt. “It’s a stupid sport. And what’s the point if we can’t beat rubbish countries and have to play the ones that are actually good at football?”

Some England fans, noted by their surly disposition and tendency to wear ‘Gerrard’ shirts to inappropriate places such as funerals and auctions, have taken to carrying rugby balls and cricket bats around in an attempt to suggest they actually like American Football and Stickball, or whatever those other sports are.

Others have taken their sporting interests even further afield. One fan we met said he was now an enormous fan of cycling because, “Bradley Wiggins is good at that”.

A sarcastic 30-something who reads the Guardian’s sport section but doesn’t watch football anymore because ‘Beckenbauer doesn’t play anymore’ said “England’s disastrous draw against Italy will likely mean it’s proud tradition of losing to the first notable opposition it encounters will happen much earlier than usual, and won’t involve penalties.”

Edward Johnson, a 3rd Year student at Edinburgh, said, “I don’t really understand why the draw is treated with such a big deal. England can’t beat Chile at Home, let alone in South America.”

A random Scottish student we found took great delight in the whole situation.

Ted Durant, an American exchange student, totally ignored our questions about the USA’s draw against Germany, and instead focused on his apparent love for Spain, especially because Ronaldo plays for them.

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