Published on October 1st, 2013 | by Flipside0
Footballers agree to take salary cap
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND – In an agreement reached yesterday in the modest offices of FIFA in Zurich, footballers of the three richest leagues in Europe, the BarclaysTM Premier League, La Liga and Serie A agreed to a cap on their wages. FIFA president Sepp Blatter (a former winner of the International Humanitarian of the Year as well as the ‘Golden Charter of Peace and Humanitarianism’), who mediated the negotiations, declared the parties had agreed to the formation of a FIFA sub-committee to be headed by him that will determine the salary cap. The UEFA President Michel Platini said, “This is a momentous moment in football history, with the capping of wages in the richest leagues in the world. I hope this will ensure that football players can stop worrying about earning more money and instead seek to play in the best leagues in the world, such as the French Ligue 1.”
Football players were quick to voice their happiness at the agreement. Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney eloquently summarised the news, stating, “It’s not only a great day in football, but also in history. Over the past fifty years society has become more economically inequitable. Capitalism has resulted in a world where the rich have earned obscene amounts of money and those earning little have barely enough to survive. This is not right, and I hope football’s move to make the rich slightly less rich will help remove this disparity in our society.”
Real Madrid winger Cristiano Ronaldo agrred, commenting, “I think it is a wonderful thing. For a long time now, I have looked in the mirror and asked, ‘Do I really deserve to be paid this much money?’ I tell myself that Ronaldo is great, but that should not mean Ronaldo should be paid more than 300,000 euros a week. There are only so many Ferraris one man can buy. And of course, he agrees with me… After all, I am Ronaldo.”
This paper tried to interview Liverpool stars Luis Suarez and Steven Gerard, however “At the end of the day” was all we could gain from Mr Gerard; the rest was incomprehensible to our translators. Meanwhile, Mr Suarez refused to stop chewing an unidentified object; when his wife tried to remove it, he dived as far away as he could.