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Local

Published on December 5th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Forth Road Bridge Closed Until New Year Due To Balrog Of Morgoth.

Breaking news: This morning it was revealed that the Forth Road Bridge will be closed until the New Year. At first the problem was thought to be due to a structural fault in the masonry. This is indeed the case, however, Flipside can exclusively reveal that the cause of this fault was the emergence of the Balrog Of Morgoth and its ensuing battle with Gandalf.

Apparently a small troop were seen fleeing across the bridge from the mines of Fife and into Edinburgh, when from Fife (a dark and lamentable place) the Balrog emerged in pursuit. They got to the centre of the bridge when an old figure, who bore a great resemblance to Jeremy Corbyn, stood firm and told the others to move on.

At this point, people realised there were probably going to be delays.

The old man, now identified as Gandalf, shouted some words which couldn’t be made out (probably a rant about the trams), and threw down his staff dramatically. At this point the bridge broke and he and the Balrog were taken into the depths of the estuary.

One of the shorter members of the party seemed quite upset at the bridge’s collapse, and when he was told that the new bridge, The Fifth Road bridge, wasn’t going to open for another year or so he began to cry even harder.

Flipside understands that no one is very happy with Gandalf’s reckless antics, and wonders why the group calling themselves “the Fellowship” didn’t just use the excellent park and ride service across the water. We are however, being an Edinburgh based group, more than happy to be cut off from Fife for Christmas, with the nearest crossing at Stirling (otherwise known as Buckleberry ferry), a long way away.

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