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Published on October 20th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Fresher Announces 6 Day Grand Plan to Get into the Big Cheese

A first year Geology student, Gregory Lactor, has declared that he will camp outside Potterrow until next week’s Big Cheese. After failing to obtain entry, despite having queued for since 11am, Gregory Lactor began his protest against EUSA. His mum arrived with a tent, some Special K cereal bars and a sleeping bag at 2pm on Sunday lunch time. Lactor plans to camp outside Potterrow, missing lectures and tutorials, until Saturday evening.

Gregory Lactor said that camping was more than just an attempt to ensure that his Saturday night did not end in a solitary soggy Dominos. He added, off the record (so we recorded it), that it was mainly because of this to end him being the butt of the joke with his friends for his failure to pull in the Big Cheese, he felt that if he camped the publicity was bound to give him some street cred.

Lactor said told Flipside, ‘It is a protest against EUSA’s failure to manage the queues and its attempt to control irresponsible drinking.’ The fresher continued, ‘Ever since EUSA gave that shouty bouncer a megaphone he’s been on a greater power trip than his pre-megaphone bouncer days, and I have just about had enough.’  Flipside, a Big Cheese veteran, agrees that the megaphone megalomaniac must be stopped.

Alongside the longest and slowest queues of a club in the history of humankind, there have been increasing reports of arbitrary stop and searches by EUSA bouncers. EUSA has justified these searches as attempts to find out how freshers are obtaining straws for illegal strawpedoing inside Potterrow. However, Gregory rejected this justification as yet again another ‘power-trip from EUSA who are trying to be pseudo-politicians’.

 

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