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Published on August 9th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Fringe Goer Given Glass Instead Of Plastic Cup; Spontaneously Starts Killing Rampage.

In the cool breeze of a recent fringe evening, excited punter, Alice Maguire, was enjoying a few drinks with some friends, in Assembly gardens. After ordering herself a pint of reasonably priced fosters, a terrible mistake took place. Alice was handed a real glass instead of a plastic cup, she smashed the glass and instantly embarked upon a killing rampage which lasted two hours, leaving sixteen dead and fourth three people wounded.

Speaking to Alice, she seemed distraught, “It was like I went into a trance, I really have no recollection of what happened. I was just having a nice night and then suddenly the glass touched my hand, and I felt like I was possessed by a blood thirsty monster”…  Alice reserved further comment, as tears obscured the meaning of her words (yes, yes that was very poetic).

Edinburgh police chief, Mr. Law, who was at the nearby snack shack purchasing drought’s,  had this to say, “This really is a tragedy, Alice is not to blame, she will need to stand trial for manslaughter, but no judge will see her convicted. She is the victim; the EUSA bar member who served her however will likely serve seventeen years in prison for their error. It is just, they all look the same, so we are currently struggling to find the culprit.”

Normally Flipside would not comment on the issue itself directly, however in one so clear cut as this we must. We cannot stress enough how Alice must not be seen as a monster, but must be seen as a victim instead. How was she to blame for someone else’s carless error. Real glasses in assembly gardens simply cannot be allowed, the people are simply too easily swayed to attack each other with glass in hand. It is not like the VIP areas around the fringe, where the only people allowed in are simply more morally upright than the common punter. They wouldn’t use the glass for evil, but for good.

 

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