SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

Commentary

Published on January 9th, 2017 | by Flipside

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EdUni Vows Zero Student Satisfaction by 2040

EDINBURGH – As part of their new Zero By 2040 Campaign #Ed2040 #Hashtag, University officials have promised a total reduction in student satisfaction by the 2040 fall semester.

‘The most recent year’s results show us at around 45% student satisfaction,’ Mistress Miriam, head of Student Services told Flipside. ‘We’re looking at a gradual reduction of all the positive aspects of campus life while exacerbating the shitty qualities. We have to start small for the long term goal you know?’

The new initiative will include spiking tuition fees, reduction of administrative and teaching staff, further reduction of counseling and student services, and cutting visa support systems. ‘We’re very excited,’ Miriam told this reporter, ‘look out for our banners on campus. Oh! And go fuck yourself.’

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