Published on January 9th, 2017 | by Flipside0
EdUni Vows Zero Student Satisfaction by 2040
EDINBURGH – As part of their new Zero By 2040 Campaign #Ed2040 #Hashtag, University officials have promised a total reduction in student satisfaction by the 2040 fall semester.
‘The most recent year’s results show us at around 45% student satisfaction,’ Mistress Miriam, head of Student Services told Flipside. ‘We’re looking at a gradual reduction of all the positive aspects of campus life while exacerbating the shitty qualities. We have to start small for the long term goal you know?’
The new initiative will include spiking tuition fees, reduction of administrative and teaching staff, further reduction of counseling and student services, and cutting visa support systems. ‘We’re very excited,’ Miriam told this reporter, ‘look out for our banners on campus. Oh! And go fuck yourself.’