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Published on September 21st, 2015 | by Flipside

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Gordon Brown confesses to fellatio with Teviot moose

In the continuing series of unearthed scandals today, Gordon Brown has told the public that one or five of his “private parts” were inserted into the Teviot moose during his time at the University of Edinburgh. Flipside were on the scene at his press conference, somewhere on the Donkey Kong recreation site formerly known as McEwan Hall:

“I was a young politician back then, and the moose studied biology. We both reached for the last Ginsters sandwich in Pottershop and it was true love from there. We wanted nothing but each other, and we certainly didn’t want any sandwiches from the bottom shelf. I mean, who the fuck wants a veggie sausage roll?

“We shared the sandwich and then didn’t see each other until Big Cheese, the most romantic night-out in Edinburgh. In the toilets of Potterrow, we made sweet beastly love, grappling each other by the antlers.”

Luckily, Mr Brown revealed less of the steamy details, as he claims to be keeping them for his erotic fiction debut, Fjordy Shades of Grey. He continued to address the false claims in the report against Mr Cameron.

“But receiving oral shenanigans from a stuffed, dead animal isn’t a university ritual, it is a ritual to get into 10 Downing Street. The choice of animal is voted for by the House of Lords: it used to be down to the year on the Chinese calendar, but it changed when the Lords decided to have a laugh.

“Myself and the moose are now estranged as lovers, but the firmest of friends. Tony Blair had to fuck a horse then he never called her again, which became the premise of that play with him off Harry Potter.

“The only difference between the sexual experiences with stuffed animal heads of Mr Cameron and previous Prime Ministers is that Mr Cameron is still fucking a pig.”

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