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Entertainment

Published on June 14th, 2016 | by Flipside

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‘Graduation Gown Hire Company Also Runs Protection Racket’

The company which all Edinburgh University graduates must use when hiring gowns is also, it has been discovered, operating as a protection racket. Eyebrows were first raised when students realised they were being charged the amount of £42 for the dubious privilege of wearing black cloth for an afternoon. The company, which operates out of a second-hand car lot somewhere in Leith, is run by ‘Big’ Stan McCafferty and his sidekick Billy Burns. However, Flipside has discovered Burns is not his real second name, but is his favourite method of convincing debtors to pay up.

A visibly nervous university official stuttered and sweated his way through a prepared statement, ‘Mm Mm Mr McCaf McCafferty is a fine upstanding mmmember of the comm..unnnnity who has achieved great succ success in cornering the markets in the ice cream van, cement manufacturing and , oh sweet Jesus, waste disposal markets. The university was only too ppppleased when he offered his ser services, after he pointed out what a nice building McEwan Hall was, and rightly stated it would be a shame if something was to happen…happen to it.’ The nervous man sheepishly added, ‘that hiring a gown is actually good value compared to the university’s fees.’

In fairness, that last point is spot on.

Mr McCafferty then noted, ‘It would be difficult to collect that degree scroll with broken thumbs.’

 

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