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Published on October 31st, 2015 | by Flipside

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Halloween Horror: Actual Gorilla Escapes From Zoo, Pulls In Hive

Breaking news, a gorilla that escaped from Edinburgh Zoo last week has turned himself in after spending a night at ‘The Hive’ nightclub and being mistaken for a bloke in a really good costume.

Concerned zookeepers told Flipside that the gorilla was ‘visibly shaken’ on his return, and is currently undergoing a course of rigorous therapy to cope with his traumatic experience. He did however, agree to an exclusive interview.

At first, the gorilla told Flipside, he thought he must simply have wandered into the Zoo’s baboon enclosure: the violent fighting between social groups, the chest-bashing displays of male dominance, and the flinging of faeces at weaker members all seemed fitting.

It quickly became apparent, however, that there was no order and no authority to this enclosure. The walls dripped with sweat and the other animals ground against each other in exhibitions of sexual fury. Some of them looked to be dead; there were ‘vets’ who looked strangely underdressed; and others wore the furs and ears of other species (though whether or not this was in the name of their bizarre festive celebration was unclear).

The gorilla was deeply afraid, yet found himself to be the centre of attention. It was quickly established that he was the most charming and charismatic addition to the club—the girls wanted to sleep with him, the boys wanted to be him. He was laden with free drinks, offered pills and smothered in cheap lipstick.

Bundled back to Pollock Halls in a drunken stupor[1], the gorilla was subjected to the raging hormones of Halloween-hyped first years—only to be spat out the next morning when they grew tired and realised they hadn’t signed him in for canteen breakfast. (It is  not entirely clear whether the students believed the gorilla was wearing a Halloween costume, or simply thought he was a Napier student).

The gorilla concluded his story, warning Flipside that it was a ‘jungle out there’, and promised to remain safely in his own enclosure from now on.

In light of this harrowing tale, Flipside would like to remind readers to always check under the mask this Halloween and naturally EUSA have sited this as an example of why not to culturally appropriate at Halloween…. Yeh EUSA we get it, don’t do things or something because reasons.

Far more importantly from us, please stop pulling in Hive.

 Seriously, it is gross, don’t do it.

Seriously!

 



[1] Primates are largely unused to alcohol, even in diluted club-tap form

Halloween Horror: Gorilla Escapes From Zoo, Pulls In Hive

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