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Published on September 2nd, 2016 | by Flipside

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‘Harambe Is Just A Bigger Deal Than Me’, Concedes Jesus Christ

In recent months the tragic death of heroic gorilla Harambe has brought tears to all citizens of this terrible place we call earth. Humanity has simply and understandably been unable to come to terms with the death of such a beloved and brilliant creature. Such a outpouring of worldwide grief over the death of one figure has not occurred since Jesus Christ was also tragically killed by the evil Romans after small idiot plebian got into the Garden of Gethsemane.

The parallels have not gone unnoticed by commentators and in fact today Jesus made a speech, with Harambe at his side, claiming that Harambe was now a bigger deal than Christ himself.

“Yes I am the son of God”, he began (with his dick out for Harambe of course), “but this gorilla is clearly more important to you. Frankly I am not surprised, why wouldn’t he be? Have you seen the guy? What a fella Harambe is, to be honest in a selfish way I am glad he got shot because now we get to hang out all the time, drinking beers and shooting pool, just like Harambe did back on earth.”

But I know how much his loss means to you my children, and it is for this that Haramabe has been elevated above the Arc Angel Gabriel and the holy trinity has become a holy Quadharambe. We, the admin heads of the clouds, hope that this will please you, the people of earth.”

When Jesus asked if the child who caused Harambe’s death would be seen through the normal Christian lense of all children are innocent, Jesus replied, “Absolutely fucking not, that kid is gonna burn…”

Wild celebrations on earth have begun, but they only reminded people of how sad it is that Harambe is gone and will never come back. RIP Big guy. RIP.

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