Published on December 15th, 2015 | by Flipside0
Hayden Christensen To Be Sacrificed Ahead of New Star Wars, Just in Case.
Breaking News: with Star Wars: The Force Awakens just days away from being released (YES WE CANNOT WAIT EITHER), it has been announced today that Hayden Christensen (the fucking atrocious “actor” who played Anakin Skywalker in the prequel trilogy) will be sacrificed to prevent anything like The Phantom Menace ever happening again. It is well known that The Phantom Menace was so bad it caused Liam Neeson to go on the killing spree which was recorded in the documentary Taken.
J.J. Abrams commented, “Look, this is for the greater good, and after some awful performances in life, he may at least do some good in death. The great god of the stars and wars had agreed that if we sacrifice him, The Force Awakens will be a success. This is totally worth it. It is not like anyone will miss Hayden.”
Indeed following the handing over of rights from Lucas Arts to Disney, George Lucas was tied up and taken away. Owing to the knowledge that if he so much as glanced upon a set everything would turn to terrible CGI and green screen effects. He has been placed in the same warehouse in which all the important and dangerous shit from Indiana Jones goes where he will be looked after by Top Men.
Across the world, different cultures have been taking extreme measures to make sure the new film will not be dubbed “Revenge of the Shit” by FOX News. British Airways have changed their name to Rogue Squadron, Nicola Sturgeon has lobbied for Arthur’s Seat to be renamed R2’s Seat, President Barack Obama has legally changed his full title on his birth certificate to 0-B4-M4, and Star Trek fans are being moved into a colony in Micronesia so they can stop ruining fun things for everyone else.
All we can hope is that he doesn’t just for no reason pop up as a force ghost. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Jar-Jar Binks actor Ahmed Best has renewed his contract with the US Military, claiming that “any nation that America is doing big bombad with is a safer place for meesa right now.”