Decommissioning of Alex Salmond extended by 7 years to 2030

The operating life of Alex Salmond, one of Scotland’s most popular political landmarks, is to be extended by at least another seven years, the SNP has announced. Originally, Mr Salmond had been due to be decommissioned in 2023, but following an extensive series of safety checks, the SNP is convinced that he can continue to function with negligible risk of nuclear accidents for an additional seven years.

Mr Salmond began operating in 1987 and had originally been intended to have a 20 year political lifespan. This however was extended until 2014, at which point he briefly decommissioned himself before reopening as MP for Gordon. Other politicians who have had their useless lives extended include Gordon Brown, who was mothballed in 2010 then briefly recommissioned in 2014, and Nigel Farage, for whom repeated attempts at decommissioning have proved unsuccessful. However, failure to properly decommission Nigel Lawson in the 1980s has led to serious ongoing pollution ever since.

The SNP point to Mr Salmond producing relatively little pollution, and only a few serious political accidents, the worst of which was selling part of Aberdeenshire to Donald Trump.

“This is very good news for the people of Scotland,” said First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. “Mr Salmond brings political power to a quarter of all Scotland’s homes, and keeping him going will save the SNP from having to find a new political talent who might want my job.”

“Plus if he does suffer a nuclear meltdown, he’ll hopefully do it in Westminster, not up here,” she added.