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Local

Published on October 1st, 2015 | by Flipside

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Hive Announces Pre-School Program: “Hive Till 5”

The infamous Edinburgh nightclub known as The Hive has announced the opening of its pre-school programme known as “Hive ‘Til Five”, which will care for children up until they reach the age of five.

Long-term owner and bartender of the club, Satano de Mon, had this to say: “I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before. There I was, accidentally pouring this poor fresher a triple vodka, who looked young and just couldn’t handle his juice, when it hit me: we do fuck all in the day.”

“So then I looked around at the place, searching for some idea of what we could do in the daytime for real people. We have unlockable cubicles, gruff bouncers to carry people when they fall asleep and break up squabbles, and monotonous music which appeals to the braindead. A children’s daycare centre was the only logical option.”

Health inspectors were said to be initially sceptical about the dim lighting and hard floor, but then were impressed at how the level of mould formed after a single night gave the feel of a practical carpet.

They also claimed that, “despite their expectations, The Hive has more daylight than 85% of primary schools in Aberdeen.”

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