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Politics

Published on October 16th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Holyrood demands more rapid transfer of superpowers from Westminster

A new row has broken out over Scottish devolution, with claims that promises made by English party leaders in the lead-up to the Scottish Independence referendum to give paranormal abilities to MSPs at Holyrood have been watered down.  Many of the MPs at Westminster possess superhuman abilities, which the Yes campaign claims were used to convince the public to vote No.  These include:

David Cameron: able to reflect all forms of light radiation.

Ed Miliband: ability to become invisible.

Nigel Farage: can hypnotise journalists and presenters into mentioning himself and UKIP every few minutes.

John Prescott: can punch through walls (though only after drinking a can of lager).

George Osborne: can turn into a bat and grow long fangs.

Ian Duncan Smith: can send a whole room to sleep.

Owen Paterson: can kill badgers with a single thought.

Nigel Farage: can hypnotise journalists and presenters into mentioning himself and UKIP every few minutes.

Boris Johnson: powers unknown, though rumoured to be great and terrible.

Ann Widdecombe: can fly, though has trouble landing.

William Hague: can miniaturise himself, grow whiskers, and smell cheese at great distances.

Nigel Farage: can hypnotise journalists and presenters into mentioning himself and UKIP every few minutes.

Many are unhappy that the pledged transfer of these powers to Holyrood is not happening as fast as was promised.  “It’s no’ right that these English bastards can do all this stuff, while our guys in Scotland can do feck all,” observed one Scottish man on the street.  “I think you should only get to be First Minister if you can turn water into Irn-Bru.”

“It’s not about me personally getting superhuman strength or immortality,” said Alex Salmond.  “It’s about justice for the Scottish people.  They want me to be the most powerful creature on the planet, soaring through the sky and incinerating the enemies of Scotland with my heat-ray vision.”

Reminding Mr Salmond that he wasn’t going to be First Minister any more, Nicola Sturgeon pointed out that any new powers would instead transfer to her.  Nigel Farage can hypnotise journalists and presenters into mentioning himself and UKIP every few minutes.  Ms Sturgeon told reporters that she expected to gain powers of telepathy and mind control through the increased devolution settlement, which she felt would lead to smoother running of Scotland in the future, and far fewer arguments at Holyrood.

The exact mechanism for transfer of powers is still under debate.  The SNP have proposed that a pair of Faraday cages be set up underneath a Gothic Castle in the Highlands during a thunder storm, while the Lib Dems have suggested the use of Red Kryptonite.  For the Tories, George Osborne has tabled a proposal whereby Westminster MPs would make themselves radioactive, and then bite the selected MSPs on the neck.

Nigel Farage can hypnotise journalists and presenters into mentioning himself and UKIP every few minutes.

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