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Commentary

Published on February 14th, 2016 | by Flipside

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5 ways to make sure your ex isn’t having a better Valentine’s Day than you

Valentine’s Day is one of the most beautiful days of the year – if you’re single. Couples spend the day trying to have a ‘good time’ and prove that their love is ‘real’, rather than coincidental or ‘a metaphysical prison’, while single people can party on down and revel in their freedom.

It’s also a day for thinking about love past, and making sure your ex-partner is significantly less happy than you – here’s how!

  1. Binoculars

Seriously, invest in a good pair. They’re great for bird-watching, a quiet night in, the opera, and carefully watching your ex from a distance, perhaps in a tree, to make sure they’re having a shitty valentine’s day (while you’re having a sweet time climbing trees)

  1. Spies

Binoculars aren’t your thing, and you’re not so hot on climbing – that’s ok! Enlist a series of friends and acquaintances to spy on your ex, and make sure they’re miserable and constantly thinking about you. The closer your friends are with your ex, the better your intel, so don’t be afraid to ask their flatmates and family to help you out on this one

  1. Sabotage

Everyone deserves to have a good time, except your ex on Valentine’s Day, when they should be devastated that they’re no longer with you. Use your binoculars/spies/psychic powers to find out what they’re doing, and lay a devilish trap. Even better if it’s exactly the sort of trap you would have been able to avoid: “Oh no, someone unleashed hounds into that restaurant I was going to for a platonic friend date. I wish Jason was here…he always had such a way with animals”

  1. Psychic Powers

Work hard on developing your psychic powers, so you can see straight into your ex’s mind and figure out what they’re thinking. If they’re thinking about you – aces! That’s their V-Day ruined! But if they’re thinking about anything else, you can subtly manipulate their thoughts to something depressing. Maybe it’s been a while since they thought hard about the war in Syria for example…or their dead grandparents

  1. Take drugs in a bin

The most sure-fire way to make sure your ex isn’t having a better day than you – have the best day imaginable!!! Find a nice, cultured, cosy bin, grab some class A’s from Papa Drugking (my dealer was never big on subtlety), and settle in for a serious solo session. If your ex walks past, make sure to jump out the bin completely off your tits and surprise the shit out of them – then they’ll truly know what they lost.

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