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Entertainment

Published on December 15th, 2013 | by Flipside

0

Self-immolation Timeline

Yesterday Flipside reported on the self-immolation of a University of Edinburgh student in protest to the terrible chat of his parents.
Flipside has, by talking to his grief-stricken parents, examining his Facebook feed, and talking to some of his friends, established a timeline of events.
Friday 13th December
11:48 am – Brand boards train at Edinburgh Waverly, bound for London Euston, departing at 12:00 pm
12:00 pm – Train departs on time
12:00 pm – 4:42 pm – Brand amused himself on the train journey by looking at other passengers and reading. He was sat in the proximity of some quite attractive passengers and there is a strong possibility that at one point he went for a wank in the train toilets. Though this is probably not true and we’ve only included it to add some smut factor to this story.
4:42 pm – Brand panics, realising the train has arrived in Coventry, his destination, despite it being announced and him having taken the journey many times. He scrambles and just about collects all his belongings.
4:47 pm – Brand catches a bus home.
5:56 pm – After a number of traffic delays Brand arrives home. He greets his parents. His mum asks him how he is and he responds to the pleasantries.
6:20 pm – After showering, Brand makes a Facebook status about how boring home is, then goes downstairs and has dinner with his parents. The meal is Chicken Kievs, with potato wedges and mixed vegetables. It is unclear if the vegetables were frozen or fresh. The parents were notably defensive when we enquired.
6:34 pm – Brand’s father tells a story about his day at work, and makes a joke about water coolers being ‘cool’.
6:38 pm – Brand’s mother begins a lengthy and tedious enquiry into whether or not Brand has a girlfriend.
7:23 pm – The conversation of Brand’s relationship status comes to close, when it is finally established that despite all natural evidence to the contrary, Brand is single.
7:56 pm – Brand reads two lines of pre-reading for next semester before deciding that that is a terrible idea.
8:04 pm – Brand finally succeeds in unearthing his old PS2 and proceeds to play dated versions of FIFA and WWE games.
10:45 pm – Brand complains about his parent’s terrible chat to a number of friends via facebook chat, notably this including a number of sly attempts to use it as a courtship mechanism.
10:58 pm – Brand goes to sleep the earliest he has gone to bed for 3 months.
Saturday 14th December –
12:03 pm – Brand gets out of Bed. His mother jokes that he’s missed breakfast and that if he’d stayed in bed any longer he would have turned into a bed.
12:42 pm – Brand and his mother go shopping and she makes a series of carry-on-esque jokes about carrots and courgettes, before asking why courgettes are more expensive than cucumbers.
12:56 pm – Brand’s mother finally decides cucumbers must have ‘less substance’ than ‘courgettes’.
1:23 pm – Brand’s mother attempts to buy a frankly ghastly jumper for him.
1:43 pm – Two shops later, Brand’s mother enquires if he’s definitely sure about the jumper.
2:04 pm – Brand enjoys a particularly bland meal at the British Home Stores café.
5:23 pm – Brand and his father engage in a conversation about Brand’s fathers stamp collection.
7:45 pm – Brand makes a series of ominous Facebook posts about being bored to death.
9:23 pm – Brand’s mother, watching Midsomer Murders for the 50th time, appeals to Brand to come to and watch it with her. This is the final straw.
9:45 pm – Brand sets himself alight.

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