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Politics

Published on June 1st, 2017 | by Flipside

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Patrick Garratt to stand in General Election

In a shock announcement, EUSA VPAA Patrick Garratt has announced that he intends to stand for Parliament in the seat of Edinburgh Central on a platform of amplifying the voices of North London students attending the University of Edinburgh at Westminster.

Since the announcement, Patrick Garratt has formed a new political party to back him called Edinburgh University Sucks Ass, or E.U.S.A for short, so as not to confuse it with EUSA, which has chosen to forgo its previous name by rebranding as the much more recognisable ‘EUSA’.

Speaking exclusively to Flipside, Patrick Garratt said “I just feel that there are too many parties that campaign on political issues while I really want to focus on more localised issues like the depopulation of Greggs stores from university locations and also the improper use of university mailing systems.

When asked by our reporter if he hadn’t muddled the nation’s priorities by focusing on niche interests such as Greggs shop locations and student satisfaction rates, Garratt stared deeply into our reporters eyes before whispering “If you talk down the importance of steak bakes again, I’ll drown you in gravy”.

Our very bemused reporter talked to the Electoral Commission who informed us that the Edinburgh Central constituency doesn’t exist in UK Parliamentary elections, but they were going to let him continue because they didn’t want to spoil his fun.

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