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Politics

Published on October 29th, 2015 | by Flipside

0

Japan to replace Britain, EU ok with that

Flipside can reveal that it has obtained a leaked memo from the European Commission which suggests that in the case of a British exit from the European Union, Japan has been offered the chance to be Britain’s replacement.

According to the memo, if the 2017 referendum endorses a Yes vote, a fleet of tug boats is to drag Britain to the coast of China whilst a second fleet does the same with Japan.

The memo has generated confusion as many have asked whether it is possible to move such giant landmasses across the world whilst others have more enthusiastically asked whether this will affect Daylight Savings Time.

Speaking to Flipside, the Japanese ambassador to the United Kingdom was enthusiastic about the proposal, saying “We have so much in common with Britain; we would be the perfect replacements. In Asia, the rest of the continent hates us and we’re uncomfortably proud about our old Empire’s history and war records. Europe won’t be able to tell the difference.

What makes us even more perfect is that we have a northern region that we actually subjugated in the 19th century and they have no wish to separate. So we provide both stability and a genuine sense of history which Britain and Scotland just doesn’t have”.

A spokesperson for the government gave out a statement to assemble journalists, saying “We have always pushed for a closer relationship with China, and if that requires moving the entire country almost 6,000 miles, we are willing to do so. In fact, now that China has bought most of the North, they’ve agreed to pay for the postage and packaging”.

Politicians from across the political spectre have responded with befuddlement and equally ridiculous reactions, with a spokesperson for Jeremy Corbyn suggesting it was a positive move, as “it would place us much closer to Russia”, whilst Nicola has Sturgeon has suggested holding a referendum to abandon Britain and join Canada.

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