SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

Politics

Published on February 21st, 2016 | by Flipside

0

Jeb Bush drops out of Presidential race in order to run for EUSA

Following his disappointing loss in the Nevada primary, Jeb Bush has announced that he is dropping out of the American Presidential race in order to run for VPS in the EUSA Sabbatical elections in March.

Speaking to Flipside in his first post-dropout interview, he said “Yeah I just sort of figured out that America didn’t really want me anymore, and when you’re beaten by an orange faced racist with a dead fox for hair for the third time in a row, you become pretty sure that it may be time to pack it in. Also, when I realised that nominations for the EUSA elections close on Thursday, I barely had enough time to book my flights to the UK and enrol myself in Social Anthropology of Medieval Bedouin Culture 3E as well as Renaissance era finger-painting so that I could qualify to run. Now that I’m here, my first order of business is to ingratiate myself with the locals. I’ve bought myself about 2 or 3 passion fruit VKs so I can successfully chill with all the BNOCs at pres next Saturday”.

When asked what his first action would be if he were to be made VPS, Jeb stated that “in keeping in line with the best VPS’ in recent history” he would work “towards the downfall of the capitalist system and then get a place on the graduate scheme at Deloitte immediately afterwards”.

At the most recent count, Jeb has 6 out of the required 50 nominations required. 3 of the students that signed his nomination papers were completely illiterate. Coincidentally, they were also from Jeb’s former state of Florida.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on RedditEmail this to someone


About the Author



Comments are closed.

Back to Top ↑