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Commentary

Published on January 1st, 2016 | by Flipside

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Jeremy Corbyn’s New Year’s Resolutions….

Jezza C had a pretty epic 2015, I think we can all agree. He’s had dizzying highs and soul-crushing lows, but what does the Billy Bragg of British politics plan to change about himself in 2016? Flipside brings you the inside scoop:

Trident: Jezza has vowed to put aside his long-held differences with nuclear weapons, and fully embrace their warm, destructive potential. It’s clearly what the bloodthirsty, murderous population he will one day rule wants to see, and the man is nothing if not a crowd-pleaser.

Vegetarianism: After years of vegetarianism, after a stressful year Corbyn has decided that meat is actually ‘fucking delicious’. Inside sources suggest he is also hoping to cash in on some of the meaty limelight hogged by his Tory adversary earlier this year, with a similarly outlandish prank in the pipelines.

The Beard: Corbyn, like everyone else, knows we have reached peak beard, and it is time to ditch the grizzle. Always one to go with the crowd, he will shave early on in January, and we’ll see a fresh-faced leader for a fresh-faced Labour Party.

David Cameron: Corbyn insists that the Prime Minister ‘is probably quite a nice bloke once you get to know him’, and has promised to make more of an effort with the guy, over a weekly cup of tea, or game of squash.

The Labour Party: Flipside has been reliably told that come New Year’s Day, Jeremy Corbyn will ‘transcend’ (his word, not ours) the Labour Party, and be ‘initiated’ into a higher political realm. This is either some voodoo nonsense, or he has decided to join the Lib Dems.

Style: Corbyn has often been criticised for his casual dress-sense, and he has promised to redress this in the New Year. The new look? Strictly spandex.

Tabloids: Corbyn has promised to fully engage in an open and honest relationship with the tabloid press. He will have a regular column in Grazia, and has sold the exclusive rights to his family photo albums to Ok! and Hello! magazines. A free sample of his personal fragrance Socialisme will be available in next week’s issue of Glamour, and the first extracts of his autobiography ‘Jeremy Corbyn: That is my name’ will be serialised in The Sun. 

 

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